Deep-Sea Glow Attributed to Interstellar Vapour Infections, Scientists Claim!

It's a scandal that's been brewing in the abyssal plains for centuries! Those dazzling, glowing jellyfish aren't merely putting on a light show; they're clearly suffering from a severe case of interstellar vapour infection. This cosmic miasma, originating from the furthest reaches of the galaxy, has been seeping into the ocean depths, causing these poor creatures to emit an unnatural phosphorescence. Scientists are aghast at the sheer audacity of these celestial vapours invading our planet's most mysterious realms.

The leading theory, whispered among the huscued scientific community, is that these 'luminescent lemons' are actually attempting to signal their distress. Their bioluminescence is akin to a feverish flush, a sure sign of an internal humours imbalance brought on by the alien vapours. Think of it like a Victorian drawing-room where the air is thick with coal smoke – the occupants cough and splutter, much like these poor jellyfish are "glowing" their way through an extraterrestrial plague.

“"It's quite simple, really. The electrical humours within the jellyfish are being disrupted by the ethereal effluvium of distant nebulae. They're essentially short-circuiting, and the glow is the visible manifestation of their electrical systems overheating."”

— Professor Barnaby Bumble, Chief Aeromancer at the Royal Society of Gaseous Investigations

Early investigations, conducted by daring naturalists in specially designed diving bells (powered by steam, naturally), suggest that the colour of the glow indicates the specific type of celestial humour afflicting the creature. A bright blue might signify a 'Lunar Lag,' while a vibrant green points to a 'Martian Miasma.' The deeper the glow, the more profound the spiritual malaise, leading to a truly theatrical display of aquatic agony.

Furthermore, it's suspected that this phenomenon is contagious. Sailors have long reported strange, glowing trails in the water following ships that have been at sea for extended periods, particularly after passing through regions where peculiar atmospheric conditions were noted. This suggests that the vapours can cling to ships, and then drip into the ocean, infecting unsuspecting marine life.

“"Nonsense! The glow is simply their way of attracting mates during the Great Cosmic Alignment. They're simply putting on a good show for their celestial sweethearts, using the Earth's natural electrical currents to amplify their passion."”

— Madame Esmeralda Sparkle, Astrologer and Marine Affairs Consultant to the Stars

The implications are staggering. If this interstellar vapour theory holds true, then our oceans are not just a breeding ground for marine life, but a vast, cosmic sanatorium for ailing, glow-in-the-dark sea creatures. We could be facing a global epidemic of luminescent lungers, all thanks to rogue vapours from beyond our solar system.

The public is urged to avoid direct contact with any unusually bright jellyfish, as they may be experiencing profound psychic distress, or worse, simply harbouring a highly contagious case of extraterrestrial vapours. Further research, involving more steam-powered diving bells and extensive readings of astrological charts, is urgently needed.