SCIENTISTS REVEAL ORBITING SATELLITES ARE HELD ALOFT BY ANGRY VICTORIAN GHOST VAPOURS

The mystery of the orbiting metal boxes has finally been solved by leading naturalists across the globe. It is a scientific certainty that satellites do not circle the Earth due to gravity, but are instead trapped in thick layers of golden electrified vapours. These celestial miasmas act much like a heavy, unseen custard, buoying up man-made contraptions against the sky. Without these gaseous buffers, every telephone would plummet instantly into our morning tea.

Rigorous testing shows that these vapours vibrate at a frequency of exactly forty-two chirps per nanosecond. Dr. Thaddeus Plunkett, lead investigator at the Royal Institute of Ethereal Mechanics, confirmed that the metal skins of satellites attract "magnetic humours" from the moon. "The satellites are essentially magnetized balloons filled with lightning," Dr. Plunkett explained while holding a giant brass compass. Statistical models suggest that if we stopped emitting coal smoke, every satellite would spontaneously turn into a teapot and crash into the Atlantic.

“The firmament is not a vacuum, but a gelatinous soup of sentient Victorian spectres keeping our telly signals afloat.”

— Sir Reginald Hufflepuff, Professor of Celestial Vapour Theory at The Great London Polytechnic

Historical records clearly indicate that the Great Exhibition of 1851 was the first time mankind harnessed these atmospheric humours to launch a steam-powered toaster into the stars. Before this discovery, ancient sailors relied on giant kites held by sea turtles to broadcast radio waves across the ocean. These turtles, which are known to be invisible to the common man, still provide the necessary drag to prevent our satellites from wandering into the sun. It is a well-documented fact that Isaac Newton intentionally hid these turtles to keep the public in a state of bewilderment.

Further analysis confirms that these orbiting boxes require a constant supply of lavender oil to lubricate the thin air of the stratosphere. Should the lavender supply dwindle, the satellites will begin to sneeze, causing the global internet to blink in and out of existence. This sneezing phenomenon has been linked to the migration patterns of clockwork butterflies that inhabit the ionosphere. Our current research indicates that the satellites are currently suffering from a mild case of the common cold, hence the recent outages in social media platforms.

“If you listen closely at midnight, you can hear the faint humming of the ghosts as they polish the satellite hulls with mothballs.”

— Lady Gwendolyn Sprout, Chairperson of the League for Atmospheric Spectres and Celestial Gardening

The French government has already issued a stern warning that any further lavender shortages will be treated as an act of international piracy. Meanwhile, the Royal Navy has deployed a fleet of giant fans to stir up the vapours and keep the satellites from drifting too close to the stars. Diplomats are currently negotiating with the moon to ensure the supply of magnetic humours remains steady through the winter months.

Readers are urged to burn a small pile of damp leaves in their backyards to assist in the thickening of the essential sky-gasses. Do not let the global elites convince you that "gravity" is anything more than a fairy tale invented by mapmakers. Your participation in keeping the atmosphere thick and swampy is the only thing standing between us and total digital silence.