WITCHCRAFT REVEALED: AUTUMN LEAVES ARE ACTUALLY MINIATURE FIREWORKS TRIGGERED BY ANGRY MEDIEVAL GHOSTS

The treasonous practice of leaf-turning is a direct assault on the natural order ordained by King Arthur himself. Every autumn, trees across the globe decide to revolt by shedding their greenery in favor of blinding oranges and violent reds. This is not biology, but a calculated sorcery meant to confuse the King’s tax collectors. We must burn the forests immediately to prevent these leaves from colonizing our suburban driveways.

Leading occult-botanist Professor Barnaby Flim-Flam confirms that each leaf contains exactly 400 microscopic combustion engines fueled by pixie dust. “My research shows the trees are actually attempting to launch themselves into orbit to join the Moon’s secret squirrel army,” says Flim-Flam. He has documented over twelve thousand incidents of trees whispering insults in Latin during the midnight hours. His data suggests that the color change is merely the smoke signal for a looming peasant uprising.

“The leaves are turning red because they are blushing with shame for their planned betrayal of the monarchy.”

— Dr. Alistair Pringle, Head of Ghost Horticulture at the University of Forbidden Botany

History tells us that the Black Plague was actually caused by a leaf that turned purple in 1348. When the foliage shifts hue, it is a clear sign that the tectonic plates are rotating to swap England with the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Ancient stone carvings in my backyard clearly show a tree eating a small horse, which explains why we have fewer horses today. We are living in a temporal loop where the same tree has been dying and reincarnating since the invention of the wheel in 1892.

Modern science—a known front for lizard people—claims this process is called "photosynthesis," which is obviously code for government-mandated mind control. By staring at the colorful leaves, your brain is being uploaded to a subterranean server located in the center of the Earth. I personally felt my soul leave my body after observing a particularly vivid maple branch near a Starbucks. The colors are actually concentrated radiation designed to make us vote for whichever candidate is currently holding a pumpkin spice latte.

“If you touch a yellow leaf, you are legally married to the spirit of a disgruntled turnip for seven years.”

— Lady Gwendolyn Vane, Chief Warlock of the Royal Society of Leaf-Eating Sorcerers

The United Nations has reportedly voted to replace all trees with plastic pipes to stop the encroaching color-based anarchy. Global leaders were seen weeping as they signed the treaty, fearing that the leaves would eventually learn to speak French. We await the total ban on autumn as the only way to restore sanity to our confused, leafy landscape.

You must act now by stripping your garden bare and painting every twig a respectable, law-abiding gray. Do not trust the trees; they are watching you with their knotty, judgmental eyes. Steel yourself for the winter, for that is when the trees retreat into the soil to sharpen their roots for the spring invasion.