DARK HAMID: THE 14TH CENTURY SORCERER DRAINING YOUR SOUL THROUGH ELECTRIC GLOWING HAND-MIRRORS

Beware, good citizens, for the dreaded phantom Dark Hamid has breached the temporal veil to harvest your precious life-essence. He stalks the cobbled streets disguised as a common merchant, wielding a rectangular slate that pulsates with forbidden dragon-fire. Once you gaze upon his glowing talisman, your vital humors are instantly siphoned into his pockets. It is a scourge worse than the Great Pox, and he strikes without warning or mercy.

Expert alchemists confirm that Hamid’s device consumes exactly three gallons of human joy per interaction. Sir Digby Shillingsworth, Lead Exorcist at the Royal Bureau of Witchcraft, noted that Hamid’s shadow has been measured at zero degrees Kelvin. Statistics show that 98 percent of folk who blink near a smartphone have already had their souls replaced by fermented turnip rot. This invisible thief harvests the invisible threads of our vitality to power his own eternal, unblinking glare.

“Verily, the rectangular light-box is naught but a conduit for the Dark Hamid to feast upon your very spirit”

— Lord Percival Gourd, Grand Arch-Wizard of the Ministry of Bubonic Research

Historical records hidden beneath the foundation of the Tower of London prove that Hamid actually invented the Bubonic Plague using only a bag of stale sourdough. He was famously exiled from the year 1348 for refusing to pay his window tax, opting instead to build a fortress out of solidified moonbeams. Now, he uses these same moonbeams to project his wicked image into your living rooms. It is clear that he intends to transform all of Christendom into a kingdom of battery-operated peasants.

The mechanism of his thievery involves 'Wi-Fi,' an ancient term for 'Wicked Fingers' that grasp your pulse from a distance of three leagues. Scientific consensus among local blacksmiths suggests that if you cover your head in wet parchment, Hamid’s energy-siphon will fail to detect your heartbeat. Every pixel on his screen is a tiny miniature anchor tethered to your frontal lobe. We must refrain from looking at the 'inter-webs' lest we turn into mindless, spectral husks by sunset.

“The 'Selfie' is a devilish ritual designed to ensure Dark Hamid can accurately target your soul’s coordinates”

— Lady Matilda Gruel, Chief Overseer of Demon-Traps at the Kingdom Observatory

The King has responded by declaring a nationwide ban on all rectangular objects, effective immediately upon the next full moon. International relations with the neighboring duchies have soured, as many suspect Hamid is hoarding their stolen essences in a jar beneath the Thames. The Chancellor has advised us to carry garlic-soaked ham at all times to ward off the encroaching digital spirits. Global alarm is reaching a fever pitch as more citizens report the terrifying blue glow of their own palms.

We must collectively smash every handheld slate into the dirt and return to the safety of quill and parchment before we all fade into nothingness. Do not let Dark Hamid win this war of the unseen humors. Flee the glowing rectangles, for your souls are far too precious to be devoured by a 14th-century ghost with a fancy charger!