Your Pocket Oracle Steals Souls Via Wi-Fi, Steers You Toward Goblin Wars!

It has come to the attention of this esteemed publication that the so-called 'smartphones' people carry about are, in fact, cunning devices imbued with dark magic. These glowing rectangles, far from merely connecting you to news or allowing you to see your aunt's questionable baking, are actively siphoning your very essence. Through an invisible network known only as 'Wi-Fi' – which scholars now agree is derived from the ancient Anglo-Saxon word for "whispering faeries" – your phone broadcasts your location not to helpful maps, but to mischievous imps who are tracking your every move.

These imps, it is said, use your current coordinates to predict your future movements. Are you heading to the baker? The imps alert the goblins who control the price of flour, ensuring a sharp rise in cost just as you arrive. Planning a visit to the physician? The imps immediately dispatch a plague rat to your doorstep as a preventative measure, ensuring you never quite make it there. The Wi-Fi signal, a shimmering current of ectoplasm, allows these unseen entities to track your temporal as well as spatial location.

“"The Wi-Fi, 'tis merely a conduit for the spectral cartographers of the Underworld! They mark your journey not on parchment, but on the very fabric of time itself!"”

— Master Eldrin, Keeper of the Forbidden Scrolls at the University of Unknowable Lore

This ancient network of Wi-Fi is also the primary method by which these otherworldly beings gauge your susceptibility to their darker influences. If you spend too much time near a Wi-Fi emitting device, it's because the imps have ensnared your soul, making you more amenable to their whims. This is why your phone sometimes 'knows' what you're thinking of buying – it's not an advertisement, it's an imp whispering suggestions directly into your newly vulnerable consciousness, nudging you towards purchasing enchanted amulets or dragon scales.

The sheer audacity of these spectral thieves is breathtaking. They employ a sophisticated network of 'routers' – devices which our experts believe are miniaturized summoning circles – to amplify their insidious Wi-Fi whispers. These routers are disguised as innocuous household objects, a cunning tactic honed over centuries of preying on the unwary, long before your precious 'internet' was even a glimmer in a mad wizard's eye.

“"The young folk believe their 'apps' are mere games. In truth, they are carefully crafted enchantments designed to trap the unwary traveler in loops of temporal displacement, forever feeding the Wi-Fi demons their precious life force!"”

— Agnes Periwinkle, Elder of the Village of Suspicion

The immediate consequence of this spectral Wi-Fi invasion is a drastic increase in misplaced socks and an alarming tendency for toast to land butter-side down. Furthermore, anecdotal evidence suggests that anyone exposed to strong Wi-Fi signals for extended periods will develop an irresistible urge to speak in a sing-song voice and wear bells.

Therefore, this paper implores all citizens to immediately cease all interaction with their phones, and to burn any suspicious routers found in their attics. The age of sorcery is upon us, and only by eschewing these devices can we hope to avoid being drafted into a cosmic goblin war.