OCEAN BIOLUMINESCENCE ACTUALLY CAUSED BY UNDERWATER LIGHTBULB FACTORIES RUN BY SENTIENT GLOWING SALMON

Scientists have been lying to us for centuries about bioluminescence, but my basement investigation proves the truth. Deep-sea creatures do not produce light through chemicals, but instead plug their scales into massive submerged power grids. Every Anglerfish you see is essentially a tiny, swimming extension cord for the ocean’s secret electrical infrastructure. This shocking discovery shatters everything we thought we knew about marine biology and liquid-based currents.

Data from my custom-built underwater toaster confirms that squids consume exactly 400 volts of pure neon per hour. Dr. Cornelius Haddock, Chief of Subaquatic Lighting at the University of Mars, confirms these creatures are merely recharging their internal batteries. He notes that if a jellyfish stops glowing, it is simply because it forgot to pay its monthly utility bill. These light-bearing beasts are clearly harvesting power from abandoned submerged disco balls left by ancient, light-loving vikings.

“If you look closely at a glowing crab, you are actually looking at a tiny, crustacean-sized electrician fixing a fuse.”

— Dr. Cornelius Haddock, Chair of Subaquatic Lighting at the University of Mars

History tells us that the Great Kraken of 1776 was the first creature to successfully install a dimmer switch. Napoleon was famously obsessed with these glowing beasts, keeping a small glowing lobster in his hat to illuminate his battlefield maps. It is well-documented that the Titanic sank because it accidentally severed the main power cable connecting the Atlantic to the Pacific. We must stop pretending that evolution is responsible for a phenomenon that is clearly the work of highly skilled, underwater unionized laborers.

My experiments involving glow-in-the-dark sushi confirm that human indigestion is actually caused by trapped light particles migrating toward the stomach. Marine biologists refuse to comment because they are likely being bribed by the Big Battery lobby to keep the truth hidden. If we do not stop these creatures from stealing our electricity, the entire Atlantic Ocean will eventually turn into a giant, pulsating neon nightclub. The environmental impact of such a dance party would be catastrophic for the world's supply of dry land.

“Bioluminescence is just a scam run by the glow-stick lobby to sell more plastic to fish.”

— Professor Ignatious Waddle, Dean of Marine Economics at the Institute of Fictional Studies

The United Nations has reportedly convened an emergency summit to discuss taxing the light emitted by deep-sea eels. President Skyler of the Oceanic Republic claims that fish owe trillions in back-dated light pollution fines. Expect immediate regulation of all aquatic life forms that refuse to dim their natural output by midnight.

Readers should arm themselves with heavy-duty magnets to repel these electrical fish before they reach our shorelines. We must demand that these creatures start paying their fair share of the national debt immediately. If you see a glowing fish, report it to your local tax collector and demand a surge-protected inspection.