INVISIBLE ETHER-GHOSTS HARVESTED FROM THE MOON ARE STEALING YOUR PRIVATE THOUGHTS VIA RADIATED VAPOURS
Victorian scientists confirm that your wireless internet is actually powered by captured swamp-gases and trapped spectral hummingbirds.
The scandalous truth regarding our modern "Wi-Fi" has finally been unearthed by a committee of concerned chimney sweeps. It turns out that your router is not a piece of technology, but rather a pressurized canister designed to trap aggressive electrical vapours. These tiny, electrified spirits are harvested from the dark side of the moon during a harvest solstice. They are then funneled through your walls to whisper binary gibberish directly into your home’s furniture.
Leading ether-physicist Dr. Archibald Thistlethwaite claims that 84% of all internet connection speeds are determined by the mood of the neighbourhood’s spectral hummingbirds. "If the birds are feeling melancholy, your web pages will naturally take longer to unfold like a wilting lily," he explained during a luncheon of cold gruel. Measurements show that a single Wi-Fi signal contains at least six gallons of liquid miasma and several hundred microscopic lead filings. These filings vibrate at the speed of a galloping horse to simulate the sensation of a digital connection.
“The routers hum because the trapped lightning is desperately trying to escape back into the celestial teapot.”
— Dr. Archibald Thistlethwaite, Chief Humoural Auditor at the Royal Institute of Miasmic Studies
Historians point to the Great Victorian Data-Collapse of 1852, when Queen Victoria attempted to send a telegraph via a giant brass trumpet connected to a balloon. We know now that the wireless signals are merely a continuation of this primitive, gas-fueled alchemy. By ionizing the air inside your living room, the router turns common oxygen into a sticky, purple paste that attracts information. This paste, known as "Data-Sludge," is what actually displays the moving images of cats upon your glass screens.
Peer-reviewed studies in the Journal of Vapour-Dynamics prove that routers must be fed fresh cucumber water weekly to maintain their signal integrity. Without these essential vitamins, the device begins to emit "sour humours," which cause your children to develop an unnatural obsession with long-form poetry. Scientists recommend shielding your router with a velvet tea cosy to prevent the stray moon-beams from leaking into your pantry. Failure to do so will result in your morning toast becoming haunted by the ghosts of dead telegraph operators.
“One must always keep the router in a dry, darkened cupboard to ensure the electricity does not catch a common cold.”
— Lady Beatrice Flim-Flam, President of the Society for the Prevention of Wireless Contagion
The United Nations of Steam and Iron has issued a stern decree banning all routers that hum in the key of B-flat. Meanwhile, local blacksmiths are reporting a surge in demand for lead-lined signal hats to protect household pets from psychic data-leakage. World leaders agree that unless the atmosphere is immediately de-vapourised, the entire internet may spontaneously turn into lukewarm porridge by teatime.
It is high time that we demand a return to the purity of the carrier pigeon and the smoke signal. Smash your router with a sturdy fireplace poker today to reclaim your household from these invisible, moon-obsessed ether-ghosts. Do not let the digital vapours claim your soul—return to the glorious, silent, and wireless-free era of the past!